When ‘I’m Fine’ Isn’t Fine: Learning to Listen to the Parts of Ourselves That Need Attention
Sometimes, we’re so determined to stay positive that we ignore the parts of ourselves that aren’t okay. We might push uncomfortable feelings aside, telling ourselves, “I’m fine,” even when a part of us knows we’re not. This response can feel easier at the moment, but it often leaves us with a quiet burden—like walking with a rock in your shoe. We feel it with each step but convince ourselves it’s easier to ignore than to stop, acknowledge it, and find relief.
Why Suppressing Difficult Feelings Doesn’t Work
When we avoid our uncomfortable feelings, we usually hope they’ll just go away. But emotions don’t work that way. Suppressing feelings often makes them grow louder and more insistent, even if they’re under the surface. When we push away sadness, stress, or frustration, those emotions may return in ways we don’t expect: physical tension, burnout, or feeling emotionally “stuck.” Ignoring these feelings doesn’t resolve them—it just puts them out of sight, building pressure until they demand to be noticed.
Befriending the Parts of Ourselves That Need Attention
Imagine, instead, that when a part of us feels “not okay,” we treat it like a friend who needs our understanding. This doesn’t mean we indulge every negative thought, but rather that we listen to what that part is trying to tell us. Maybe it’s a sign that something in our life needs adjusting or a reminder that we’re human and allowed to feel overwhelmed sometimes.
In Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, this approach is encouraged: acknowledging and listening to the parts of ourselves that feel troubled, we often find that their intensity softens. We’re no longer battling ourselves but instead engaged in a compassionate conversation.
Practical Steps for Acknowledging and Befriending Difficult Feelings
Here are a few ways to begin working with, rather than against, the parts of yourself that aren’t okay:
Notice and Name the Feeling -- Start by simply noticing what you’re feeling and giving it a name. Is it sadness, frustration, anxiety, or something else? Sometimes, just naming the feeling allows us to create a little distance from it and observe it more objectively.
Check-In with Curiosity, Not Judgment -- Approach the feeling with curiosity. Instead of thinking, “I shouldn’t feel this way,” ask, “What might this feeling be trying to tell me?” Being curious allows you to explore without judgment or shame.
Visualize the Feeling as a Part of You -- Picture the feeling as a part of you wanting to be heard, like a younger version of yourself who needs comfort or attention. Imagine sitting beside it with kindness rather than pushing it away.
Offer Kindness and Patience -- Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel this way. Offer yourself the same understanding you’d give a friend going through a tough time. Sometimes, just acknowledging that it’s hard can bring a sense of relief.
Let It Be, Then Let It Pass -- Often, once a feeling is acknowledged, it softens naturally. There’s no need to force it away. Allowing it to be gives it the space to settle and move on in its own time.
Finding Relief Through Self-Understanding
When we take the time to listen to the parts of ourselves that aren’t okay, we begin to let go of the need to pretend. Acknowledging these parts isn’t negative or self-indulgent; it’s essential to healing. When we understand what’s beneath the surface, we can make choices that reflect our true needs and values, allowing us to grow with greater self-awareness and balance.
True positivity isn’t about ignoring or denying our struggles; it’s about knowing ourselves fully, even the difficult parts, and giving ourselves permission to heal. So the next time you find yourself saying, “I’m fine” or "everything is fine," consider pausing and listening a little closer. Maybe a part of you is ready to be heard, and maybe that’s exactly what you need.